KaleidoSoul Inner Surprises

Doug- Community Suit

About 20 years ago, Doug was the rector's assistant at the Episcopal church I attended in Salem, MA.  He touched my life in SO many ways.  After a few years, his journey took him to another parish. We stayed in touch for a while, and he even sang at our wedding in 1995.  Then our journeys just took us in different directions.

And a few months ago, I learned that he had died last summer, at age 53, of inoperable brain cancer.  I was shocked at the immediate grief that flooded me when I heard the news.   I wept for his family, his students, and for the loss of him to this world.

I created this card to honor Doug, his place in my life so long ago, and his place in my life now, even though he is with us no longer in his body.  It eased the empty space in my heart, it softened the grief I felt when I heard of his suffering, of his family's loss. 

The stained glass window is there to remind me of the love of God which he brought to me and taught us all so lovingly, and with such vulnerability and grace.  The butterfly of course stands for Resurrection and transformation.  The lotus is there because one of his gifts to me was a rooted belief in the soul's right to growth even from muddy conditions.  Why the seal and the white lion landed there... I don't know yet.  I found them in my stack of treasured, saved images and they seemed to be telling me that they wanted to be on Doug's card, so I listened and heeded their advice.

Who are you?
I am the one who is a Priest. I am the one who is a teacher. I am the one who rode a motorcycle and sang in a rock band and also loved people and God with a wild, spectacular love. I am the one who brought joy and laughter to the parish. I am the one who was never afraid to be myself up there in the pulpit or with the people. I am the one who suffered so much when my daughter suffered. I am the one who was never afraid to ask for prayer, for help, for time. I am the one who sang at your wedding. I am the one who always looked at people with eyes of love.  I am the one who is with you even now as you are writing this. I am the one who smiles to see this card you have made for me. I am the one who brings the light of God to you from the other side.

What do you have to give me?
What I gave you then and what I give you now is the exact same thing: unconditional love. I give you light in your heart that comes straight from the heart of God. I give you reassurance that Death is not the end. I give you my presence and in that presence, comfort. I give you a light heart, laughter, love, a reminder that joy is yours right now. Reach out and grab it, hold it, embrace it... it is easy, and it is yours. I give you the knowing that life is short. I give you appreciation for the little things in life. I give you a reminder that every tiny piece of life is important, blessed, wonderful.

What do you want from me?
I want you to be yourself. I want you to remember me with love and happiness. I want you to not beat yourself up because we didn't stay in touch.  I want you to know that our paths crossed, and then went in separate directions, for a reason.  I want you to know that your writing touched my soul. I want you to know that your courage in taking on Jeff's children inspired me. I want you to know that even though you cannot see me, I am still with you. I want you to know that you are special, beloved, wonderful. I want you to know that I am now aware of all those times you prayed for me and for my daughter when she was hurt, broken. I want you to know that your love crosses time and space and blesses me even now.

Anxiety- Committee Suit

During a discussion with my therapist about how anxious I was feeling about something, she asked me to close my eyes and notice where that anxiety was in my body.  I did as she said but I didn't feel anything in my body at all. I felt completely numb.  Then I realized... it was in my head. When I start to feel anxious, it's like I go straight up into my head with it and forget I have a body at all!

So I started looking for images of people without bodies...and this card was born.

At first I was a bit perplexed about the image in the lower right corner, though... it's a full-bodied person (not just a head) who has just climbed a ladder up through the clouds and is standing in the clouds, looking at the sunrise.  But as you can see in one of my daily readings (below), it spoke to me and told me why I'd put it on this card, even though it doesn't seem to fit with the theme.

Who are you?
I am the one who is anxious.  I am the one who goes completely into my head when I feel displaced, out of place, alone, sad, lonely, afraid, angry, disappointed.  I go out of my body completely.  I forget that I even have a body.  I am the one who eats to numb the pain of feeling displaced and alone.  I am the one who eats to drug the anxious feelings.

What do you have to give me?
I give you a reminder- when you feel anxious, get back into your body. I also give you an excuse to eat when you're not hungry, to overeat to numb out.

What do you want from me?
I want you to recognize and acknowledge me when I show up.  I want you to not feed me sugar when I appear.  I want you to breathe, stretch, go for a walk, dance, get back into your body. I want you to remember that you are never really displaced if you remember that your true home is your soul.

Notes from Daily Readings:

December, 2005: What I have to say to you today is this: Remember to breathe, to stay in your body. Especially after Jeff has gone to sleep and you still have awake time.  Breathe. Stay in your body. Anxiety doesn't serve you... let it go.

November, 2006: I am the one who gets completely caught up in "head stuff." I am the one who thinks reality is the stories I tell myself in my mind.  I am the one who is anxious and afraid.  My message for you today is this: Relax. Breathe. Know that there is more to you than what is going on in your mind.  Climb the ladder out of your mind and revel in the freedom of being back at home in your body.

Family of Origin- Community Suit

I made this card intentionally to honor the entirety of my family, the family that centers and anchors me.

I haven't written much about it, but I do love this card and it gives me great peace whenever I look at it.

Who are you?
We are the ones who are your family.  We are your family of origin, from whom you were birthed into the world.  We are the ones who love you unconditionally.  Mom and Dad, Joe and John, Mike and Pete, Allison and Stephanie. 

Our message for you today is this: We love you.  We support you.  We carry you with us and you carry us with you, wherever you go. We love you.

A Year of SoulCollage Challenges

There are 52 more SoulCollage Challenges for you in this special e-book:
A Year of SoulCollage Challenges:
52 Challenges to Deepen & Inspire
Your SoulCollage Practice

Many times all we need to create a card for our deck is some images that we love, a pair of scissors, some glue and a blank mat board. But at other times we all can use some little dashes of inspiration to get our creative juicing flowing. That's what this e-book is all about.

It's a perfect resource for your personal SoulCollage practice. And if you're a SoulCollage Facilitator or in a SoulCollage group with friends, this e-book offers ideas and inspiration galore for your workshop and group work.

It's only $15, or $7.50 for KaleidoSoul Kindred Spirit Members.

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Abundance- Committee Suit

This is a SoulCollage card I made from just one image. I think I found it in National Geographic.  I didn't know exactly why I was so drawn to this woman, but as soon as she started speaking, I knew!

Who are you?
I am the one who embraces all good things that come to me, with grace and joy.  I am the one who recognizes abundance when it lands in my arms.  I am the one whose physical countenance shines as I gather my abundance so freely given, to me.

I am the one who weaves the flowers of abundance into my hair like a queen radiating her royalty, a well-deserved crown. I am the one who gives the flowers away as freely as they are given to me, because I know and trust that there will always be more.

I am the one whose arms and heart are open, so more abundance can flow in.  I am the one who is full, who has more than enough beauty, color, order, peace, joy, and money. 

I am the one who opens my arms to abundance, who believes that I can have all good things.  I am the one who gives you deep joy whenever you pay attention to your inner voices and your outer riches.

What do you have to give me?
I give you the entire world, Dear One.  You are already holding every good thing in your arms.  Notice!  See!  Be aware!  Embrace these gifts every, every day.

What do you want from me?
I want you to pay attention to your inner and outer riches.  Abundance is already manifest in your life.  I want you to stop and look around and NOTICE it.

8/1/07- Daily Reading: I am the one who is here to remind you that abundance is not something that you will one day have... it is already yours, now and always.  My message for you today is to enjoy the flowers of abundance that have been given to you as your divine birthright.  Embrace it ALL.  It is yours- freely given. Keep your arms open that you might receive even MORE.

3/1/08- Daily Reading: I am the one who is not perfect but who is joyfully rooted in each and every present moment of abundance.  I am the one who expects the sun to shine on me, who expects to always have arms full of flowers, to always have my arms full of exactly what I need!  My message for you today is this--  open your arms and Divine Spirit will give you everything you need and desire... and MORE.

Dad- Community Suit

Here is my SoulCollage card for my father. I created it intentionally the first few months of practicing SoulCollage.  He had died several years prior to this, and I felt SO close to him while I was making this card!

As with my "Mom" card, I used photos of my Dad alone, as a young boy as well as older.  And I included two photos of him with me, one when I was a baby and one when I was older.

I love this card!  And even though it hasn't yet shown up in a Daily Reading or a question-focused reading, I still feel comforted knowing that this card is in my deck.

Who are you?
I am the one who is your father.  I am the one who loves you unconditionally since the day you were born, and even NOW that I am gone. 

I am the one who was born in New Bedford, who loved the ocean, who loved family dinners when we were all together.

I am the one who loved taking photos.  I am the one who was a creative man- I loved to draw and tell funny stories, to rea, and after I retired I was a weaver.  I was a good musician and piano player too.  I

I am the one who loved surprise gifts, and especially giving them.  I am the one who loved/loves your mother and who took my family responsibilities very seriously.  I am the one who loved being a father and grandfather and husband.

What do you have to give me?
I give you unconditional love.  Remember, EVEN NOW I am still here with you in many ways.  I give you a defining sense of creativity and artistic ability.  I give you your love of creating things.  I give you your sense of humor. I give you a father's love, and honor, and persistence and a good sense of values.  I give you love.

What do you want from me?
I want you to know that you were and are loved, completely and fully and utterly, for who you are.  I want you to know that you are loved.

Mom- Community Suit

I made this card, intentionally of course, to honor my mother soon after I began practicing SoulCollage.  She had died the previous year, so I found it very healing to make this card to honor her life and my relationship with her.  She has shown up several times in my Daily Readings as well, which has been a very interesting and healing thing for me.

Who are you?

I am the one who is your mother, who welcomed you into our family with great joy and a thankful heart.

I am the one for whom my family was everything.

I am the one who was abused as a child, who grew up with much fear, self-doubt and insecurity.

I am the one who is creative and artistic, who loves making things and using colored pens and rubber stamping.  I am the one who knows the value of friendship.

I am the one who loves autumn and nature and the ocean.  I am the one who has a deep faith and believes in the power of prayer. 

I am the one who tried so hard to be a good mother but lots of times things got in the way.  I am the one who created a home for you and your brothers.  I am the one who loved your father so much. 
I am the one who is so proud of you and your brothers.

I am the one who never believed I was worthy, who never believed in myself.  I am the one who never thought I was enough, and who was always worried about what other people would think about me, about you, about us.  I am the one who took life so seriously, who found it hard to laugh.

What do you have to give me?
I give you the knowing that you were loved as a child, and that you are deeply loved even now.  I give you artistic ability and vision.  I give you faith and a prayer life and the knowledge of the value of friendship.

What do you want from me?
I want you to believe in yourself, to know that you are special, loved, chosen, wanted.  I want you to not make the same mistakes that I did.  I want you to go to the ocean and to York Beach often and remember me there. I was happy there.  I want you to remember that I was happy being your mother.

NOTES:

11/18/05- Reading/Question about my two stepdaughters who weren't getting along- What I have to say to you today is this: I know you are worried about the girls, especially the older one.  Remember that she needs love and kindness now.  Boundaries, yes.  But love and kindness most of all.  Remember when she was very young and you were able to give her that. You can give her that now.  And understanding too.

5/24/07- Daily Reading- I am the one who cherished you and who loved being your mother.  Are you surprised that I show up in your daily reading the week of your birthday?  I'm not!  My message for you today is this: I can see things very differently now.  I hope that you will let go of everything else and only remember the love that was/is mine for you, dear daughter.  And it is no coincidence that I showed up today, the day you also drew your "Time In A Bottle" card!  In my life, I also put joyful things at the very bottom of my many many to-do lists.  That doesn't mean that YOU have to do the same thing.

10/22/08- Daily Reading- I am the one who gave birth to you, who loves you even beyond death.  I am the one who is your mother.  My message for you today is this: I held you back in life because I thought I was protecting you. I didn't know any other way.  MY fears got in YOUR way and I am sorry about that.  Don't let them get in your way now, my darling daughter.  All is well and all will be well.  I didn't know that when I was alive but I do know it now.  I want you to be healed and whole and free.  So let it go... let it all go.

2/11/08- Daily Reading- I am the one who is your mother.  I am the one who gave birth to you, who loves kittens and chocolate, the ocean, and YOU.  I am the one who always felt connected to and IS still connected to you. My message for you today is this: I still love you.  I see and am aware of the emotional work you are doing around the fact of our wounded relationship, and it's okay.  I didn't know that the damage I did lasted this long.  I am sorry.  I was the best mother I knew how to be.  Love transcends death.  I am still here watching over you and sending blessings your way.

Giving- Committee Suit

I made this card intuitively and found that it tapped into a really powerful part of myself.

Who are you?
I am the one who delights in giving, who offers open hands and much laughter as I give to others and to myself.  I am the one whose hands are open to give.  I am the one with a generous heart and spirit.  I am the one who loves to find just the right gift for someone, who pays attention and sees what is needed and then gives it freely.

What do you have to give me?
I give you the joy that comes from giving.  I give you your generous heart and spirit.  I give you ideas for what to give others as birthday and Christmas presents... etc.

What do you want from me?
I want you to continue to delight in giving to others.  I want you to remember this divine aspect of yourself.

NOTES:

1/1/07- drew in monthly reading

3/5/07- drew in monthly reading

10/26/07- Daily Reading- I am the one who gives my gift to the world with open hands.  I am the one who delights in opening my hands and my self to the world.  I am the one who IS a gift to the world at large and to those who are close to me.  My message for you today is this: name your gifts... remember what they are and how generously they have been given to you.  Experience the joy that comes from receiving and giving these gifts.

3/1/08- Daily Reading- I am the one who gives my gifts from a Divine Source, from hands bigger than my own.  I am the one who loves to give.  My message for you today is this: You get lots and lots of Joy Points from giving... don't overlook this keen aspect of joy for you.  So many times in the past with your stepchildren, your innate pleasure in giving was tromped on, wounded into silence, but that is NOT SO any more!  Keep setting me free.. and watch yourself light up with joy.

Kripalu- Community Suit

I made this card at the beginning of my SoulCollage journey, to honor a very special place in my life: Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health in Lenox, MA.

At first it found its "home" in a special suit in my deck called "Sacred Places."  But last year, Seena Frost suggested that cards like this belong in our Community Suit.  So that is where my Kripalu card now lives!

Who are you?
I am the one who is full of sacred space and wild unreserved beauty.  I am the one who is open and yielding, who is here for you whenever you need me.  I am the one who is a restful place on your journey.

What do you have to give me?
I give you rest and healing and sanctuary.  I give you a place to stop, to remember who you are.

What do you want from me?
I want you to visit me often, in body as well as in memory.  I want you to embrace your own loving beautiful self.

Queen of Denial- Committee Suit

I made this card intentionally, to express an inner part of me that has been stifling and complicating my journey for a looooong time now.

Who are you?
I am the one who sees disaster right in front of me but I deny that it has anything to do with me.  I am the one who keeps my cool, who sits on my throne and surveys the damage from a distance.  I am the one who smiles my beatific smile and pretends that everything is okay when really it is anything but okay.

I am the one who sees pirate ships nearby, and to protect you, I act like everything is all right.  I am the one who denies disasters, problems, calamities and challenges.  I am the one who watches the TV news and says "Don't worry about it, it has nothing to do with you," when they are talking about global warming or environmental issues.

I am the one who tells you not to worry about your weight problem, to go ahead and have another cookie because it doesn't matter. 

I am the one who is smiling on the outside, always, to hide the distress that is happening on my inside. I am the one who doesn't want to get involved with the messiness of life, the ugliness of feelings.

What do you have to give me?
I give you protection from difficult feelings and situations.  I give you a safe distance from the horrors and difficulties of life.  I give you an escape from dealing with the messiness of feelings like fear and pain and sorrow and rejection and anger and loss.

What do you want from me?
I want you to be safe and happy.  I want you to be free from life's trials and tribulations.  I want you to know that I have been working very, very hard to protect you from the hard painful work of dealing with difficult emotions.